I feel scared

Standard

I’ve published my book and now I feel scared. The sort of scared that springs from the question: ‘What have I done?’ Scared that no one will read it. Scared that, if they do, they won’t like it; scared that people will judge it and find it so wanting that they will tell me, along with anyone in the world who will take the time to listen: ‘Don’t waste a second of your precious time reading the rubbish she’s produced. She’s a delusional narcissist. She can’t create a coherent sentence, let alone a captivating plot with characters who capture your imagination.’

 But hang on a minute. This morning I read in Isaiah: ‘Do not be afraid of people’s scorn, nor fear their insults.’ Those words pulled me up short. Not because they encouraged me to brazen out any criticism that may lay in wait for me. Not because I suddenly remembered the old ‘sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me’ default inner defence position of childhood. Those words pulled me up short because I was reminded of where I stand in the universe. If your faith is something you don’t really explore, or if you don’t believe in God, then this next bit may sound like the ubiquitous fairy tale you may believe faith in Him to be. I have tried life from that viewpoint and, though I longed to stay put in that position, I found it impossible. But I digress. Where I believe I stand in the universe is this. I stand in the presence of the God whose fingerprints and DNA run through the whole of creation. I stand in the presence of the God whose heartbeat sustains the fabric of the heavens and earth. I don’t understand much science, try as I have, but what I have grasped makes me gasp in amazement at the complexity, the simplicity, the pure genius of nature. People far more intelligent than me understand how the stars give light to the night skies; what makes the wind blow. How rain falls. Theologians with more wisdom than I can ever hope to amass grapple with the questions of suffering and disease and disasters. I just stand as someone who can be over awed by the wonder of creation, overwhelmed by the sadness and injustice that exists in this beautiful world. And yet, through all the things I know I’ll never understand, things like the untimely death of my father; watching helpless as my mother died from cancer, events that I tried to use as reasons to prove there is no such thing as a God of love, I stand as someone who cannot hide from the touch of God’s love and grace in my life. And believe me, I have tried.

 I don’t want anyone to criticise me or my writing. But they will. I want everyone to love what I create. But they won’t. I don’t want anyone to be indifferent. But they may be. But what I want to want more than anything is to become a person who has a universal perspective on my place in my family and my community, a perspective that makes me compassionate, reflecting the love and grace I have experienced in my own life into the lives of those that touch my own. What I should be scared of is falling short of who I should be, not of anyone’s scorn or insults for the books that I write.

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “I feel scared

    • Thank you, Timothy. That’s encouraging to hear, especially since you commented that it’s not the genre you’d usually choose to read. I’ll be looking in at your blog to see what antics Rosencrantz and Guildenstern have been up to recently! Love them!

      Like

  1. Dear Ms. Julia Lund:
    I thank you for dropping by my blog. I appreciate your good wishes for the success of my beloved dragon novels. Yes, I hope to make seven of them in all.
    I’ve been hanging out at your blog, Ms. Lund and reading your thoughts on life. I must say that I hope to have the same kind of courage you do to be as vulnerable as you are in your own blog house. You, my lady, are an inspiration. Yes, I think in some ways we are kindred spirits. I have moved around a lot too. No, not because I got canned, or because I got evicted (although there was one time..), but for deeper more personal reasons. But I am just going on and on.

    What I came here to say (and as I say this, I want you to reach one arm up over your head and pat yourself on the back) is that your are PUBLISHED!!! There is nothing to be afraid of now! Fortunately for you, you published your book BEFORE all the fear set in. I struggle with those fears, as well. I think every writer struggles with those very same questions. Of course, we won’t please everyone. My belief is that someone, somewhere will love your book.

    I am going to read your book, Ms. Lund. I am going to read it because you remind me of someone I know – someone deep down inside of me. That person is usually expressed in her poetry.

    Guess what? I believe in that same guy that you do – He is the creator of my life, my love story (still waiting) and my inspiration for everything I do.

    God bless you! Godspeed with much success and fun writing!!!!!

    Like

    • Thank you so much for spending time reading my blog and for your thoughtful and encouraging comments. I think you’re right about writers (artists and musicians too, I’m guessing) feeling scared to some degree. I think it comes from making ourselves vulnerable when we expose the results of our creativity to the world.; it’s the perfect opportunity for insecurities to rise to the surface as we await ‘judgement’ on what we produce. What if it’s no good? … At other times, of course, the waves we ride lift us so high we think we’ll never crash to shore again!

      I think you are really brave writing poetry. I have turned my hand to it in the past, but rarely would I have the courage to share my writing in that genre. I appreciate your commitment to reading ‘Strong as Death’ and would love to read your dragon novels when (not if) you publish them. I have found myself thinking about Destiny today. Those of us who work/have worked in education all have students who stay in our hearts. I love fantasy and have a completed manuscript for the first of a fantasy trilogy on my hard drive; the time isn’t right to work on that project at the moment but, God willing, its time will come. I look forward to seeing how our writing journeys unfold. Exciting! I will follow your blog with interest.

      P.S. Do you have a facebook author page? There’s a link to mine on my blog. It seems people who perhaps don’t engage with blogging are happy to browse the brief posts I put up there a couple of times a week.

      Like

      • Thanks again for your kindness. I also am excited to our works unfold. It is good to be in the company of other writers, especially those whose tastes resemble mine.
        I do have a Facebook account. I just created a Facebook page. You might be the first person to visit it. I haven’t done much with the page because I am not a big fan of Facebook. Any suggestions on how to make it better will always be welcome.
        Again, thanks for your support. Continued success and I hope to speak again with you soon.

        Like

      • I’ll try and find your page, though I can’t pretend to be an expert on Facebook. I only set up my account at the start of this year, when I set up my blog. I just try and make sure that I keep the lines between my personal and author pages separate, though some of the people who comment on my author page I know personally.
        Tomorrow, I plan to write my next blog post, so an evening of mulling through my thoughts awaits …

        Like

      • If you do a search when you are in your own Facebook account, you should be able to find me. If not, let me know. I’m not an expert, but I’ve had a Facebook account for years. It’s more of a personal place for me. The only reason why I keep it is to download the pictures of my grandchildren and keep up with my children. They are scattered across the country. I just set up the page, so I hope you can find it. I will look for yours, as well.
        I am looking forward to your next blog. I am working on mine now, but for the Poetry one. I hope it goes well. I am apprehensive about publishing my work to the Internet because I am not clear on digital copyright laws, although I’ve read all the material that has been forwarded to me by very kind bloggers.
        I am just going to dive in and enjoy the process.
        Happy blogging! Enjoy!

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s